What is the silent struggle of men?

I have been increasingly drawn to this question over the years through my own personal journey, the experiences of men around me and what I observe in society.  We are facing an unprecedented identity crisis at the nexus of chaos, uncertainty and a technology-enabled world for men across all generations.  At a time when we need to make space for connection, compassion, love and belonging, we are living with isolation, hostility, hate, and division. Many of our role models and leaders are unwilling to acknowledge they have struggles, projecting only strength and invincibility.  Even worse, they hold beliefs and behave in ways that confine the quest to bring light and joy to the world to a hidden place where emotions, meekness and vulnerability cannot be spoken about or derided.

I had never heard of the term ‘Manosphere’ until recently.  It is an umbrella term for a group of online communities that seek to address some of men’s struggles, such as dating, fitness and fatherhood.  They tend, however, to promote an increasingly narrow and aggressive definition of what it means to be a man, leading to misogyny, sexism and radicalisation of young men in opposition to being suppressed by feminism.  The proliferation of social media platforms and idolised role models has provided men who feel lost, isolated, and misunderstood a shortcut to the investment in relationship building, commitment and vulnerability required to find their identity and place in the world.  Technology has accelerated the influence and reach of those seeking to promote these ideologies, the insecurities of men, and confusion about who they are.  The quest for identity and belonging, fitting into the group or part of the tribe, is not unique to our times.   Since the beginning of time, we were created to be in relationship, and when we are not, we suffer. We suffer physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  For many men, the suffering can only stop with the most extreme of solutions - suicide. It is now the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK. Research shows loneliness and living alone can increase the risk of suicide mortality by approximately five times. Is there another way to stop the suffering?  Could having loving male friends help?    

It is a taboo topic amongst men to talk about a deep-rooted, soul-aching need to have friends who can accept us for all of who we are.  The type of friendship described as Phileo (brotherly love) or Anam Cara (soul friendship).  Possessing these friendships for boys and men prevents stress, anxiety, loneliness, depression, heart disease and increases emotional regulation, social adjustment and academic success.  When I ask men how many friends of this type they have, it is usually none, at most; you don’t get beyond a few fingers on one hand.  So why is it so hard to develop these friendships when we know deep down, we need them, and they are good for us?

Research into close male friendships uses the term Policing of Masculinities.  It refers to behavioural processes in which male peer groups punish or sanction behaviour that deviates from established masculine norms.  It starts very early in childhood in school yards, where play and gender stereotypes are formed, making them hard to change.  Physical bullying in established hierarchies is dished out to subjugate newcomers or challengers.  Insults and innuendo are used that can leave lasting painful psychological imprints, such as ‘don’t be a sissy’, ‘man up’, ‘you big girl’s blouse’.  So many of our established masculine norms create distance, and not the intimacy we desire.  If the world says we should be unemotional, assertive, competitive, combative, dominant, and powerful, then that is what will be rewarded, reinforced and welcomed.  Exhibiting any contrary behaviour would identify you as unworthy, weak, useless and ultimately outcast.

Not only does society at large police masculinity, but the context and reality for many men is that they have been raised by a generation of fathers who are less emotionally engaged and more stoic.  This was certainly true for me growing up in an Asian family where hugs and expressing love were near non-existent.  We over-indexed on authority, compliance and discipline, leading to a behavioural inheritance in how I initially treated my two sons.   At 51, with two boys aged 21 and 17, I find it challenging to navigate the balance from a top-down parent-child relationship to a side-by-side adult-adult relationship.  As they mature and increasingly spend more time with peers and girlfriends outside of the home, my influence decreases.  Rebellion and the desire for independence become more commonplace.  My desire to have time to be a loving father and friend is often not reciprocated, leaving me feeling rejected, insecure and impotent, rather than joyful, grateful and proud that they are making their own way in life.

Developing close male friendships can also become increasingly difficult as we get older and when we have careers and lifestyles that uproot us.  Opportunities become fewer, and breaking into established circles is more challenging.  It can lead to a vicious circle where investing in deeper relationships beyond watching football or playing golf seems dangerous and stressful in case we are rejected or ridiculed, so we keep the conversations at the surface level.   

I experienced the challenge of building friendships at an older age when moving back to the UK after 20 years living abroad in Asia and leaving a corporate career to run my own business.  The natural spaces for connection that most men get in the workplace were less available.  The shared history of growing up together through critical life experiences, such as school or university were absent.  It meant new places to meet people needed to be found; new relationships had to be developed.  The vulnerability in reaching out and opening up needed to be practiced.  The fear of rejection and not fitting in needed to be embraced.   

This will not be the case for many men, but I found that having a spiritual faith has helped my journey to friendship, giving me a role model and experience of what unconditional and non-judgmental brotherly and fatherly love can look and feel like, and communities I can openly seek to find a deeper source of male friendship.  I treasure these friendships and actively seek to help other men to find them, hosting groups and holding retreats.  I was so encouraged by John Lewis, who chose to use their Christmas advert platform to raise awareness of the relational challenges between fathers and sons.  If you don’t live in the UK, you most likely have not seen it and must.  It gave voice to the silent struggle of men.  A soul-searching desire for a welcoming embrace of a loving and friendly father.   A safe place to rest and be the beloved son every man was created to be.  As the lyrics of Alison Limerick’s 90’s club classic, they use in the advert says, ‘I’ll take you down, deep down where love lives’.  

Reflect and Respond:

How are you cultivating male friendships?  Who are your spiritual brothers who care for and nourish your soul?  Who could you be if you stopped fighting and competing? What behaviours do you see being policed by other men? What struggles do you need to acknowledge and seek help with?

If you want to talk more personally, you can connect here.

Go Deeper..

Bennett, S., Robb, K. A., Zortea, T. C., Dickson, A., Richardson, C., & O’Connor, R. C. (2023). Male suicide risk and recovery factors: A systematic review and qualitative meta-synthesis of two decades of research. Psychological Bulletin, 149(7–8), 371–417. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000397

Campbell, J. (2022). In search of friendship: Lessons from a monastic tradition. Waverley Abbey Trust.

Dickins, M. (2023). Billy no-mates: How I realised men have a friendship problem. Canongate Books.

Vierra, K. D., Beltran, D. R., & Robnett, R. D. (2023). A meta-synthesis exploring the role of masculinities in close male friendships. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 24(4), 311–324. https://doi.org/10.1037/men0000441

What is the manosphere and why should we care? | UN Women – Headquarters

Where Love Lives | John Lewis & Partners | Christmas Ad 2025 (youtube.com)